Batman's Secret
by MoTheBro
Summary: What if Batman was just 16 and Robin was 8? How does the League react when they find out? Takes place pre-canon but will probably have a sequel that takes place during the series.
1. The Beginning

The first time Batman noticed that everyone else thought he was an adult was after a successful mission against Count Vertigo.

"Hey, Bats, want to go out for drinks?" Because of course, it'd be Green Arrow who said something that would force Batman to admit to being more of a well, Bat-adolescent?

"Yeah, it'll be fun; we're going on Greenie's dime!" Added the Flash. Batman sighed in the most put out way that he was possibly capable of.

"No." he left it at that, stomping away in frustration. It was no surprise to him that GA and Flash hadn't figured out his age yet but what really frustrated him was when the blue boy scout himself, Clark Kent asked,

"Why not?"

"If you are uncomfortable with the prospect of becoming inebriated in the presence of other warriors, fear not, I have met many a close ally in varying states of inebriation!" added Diana, less than helpfully.

"I have to go take care of my kid." He pseudo lied, backing into the zeta tube while continuing talking to the league. "I promised to read to him before bed if the mission was successful tonight." Yes, better to show weakness than to allow others to discover that he wasn't quite as old as they thought he was.

"Sir," began Alfred as Bruce stepped out of the tube, peeling off his cowl, "Young master Dick is most worried that you've not tucked him in yet, he is concerned for your safety."

"Tell him that I'll be right up after a quick shower." Bruce responded wiping a hand through the sweaty mop of curls that had moments before been covered by his cowl.

"Indeed."

Tucking Dick in was always Bruce's favorite part of the day.

Bruce smiled, peeking into Dick's dark room on his way down the hall. Tiny eyelids fell heavy over the sleepy blue eyes of his adopted little brother. Dick's tiny form somehow looked even smaller under his thick blue comforter.

"You didn't –yawn- come read to me!" The little boy complained, tiredly holding up a worn copy of David Copperfield, which had been cradled in his arms.

"Sorry, I got a bit caught up with the league." The older boy replied quietly, tip toeing into Dick's room. "How was your night?"

"It was fun; Alfred let me look at your Chemistry textbook after I finished my homework."

"Did you master AP Chemistry in just five hours?" Bruce joked, sitting down next to Dick on the bed.

"No, I got distracted by a deer in the back yard," Dick sighed desolately, "And I just couldn't get a hold of ions."

"Nobody has a hold of ions, don't worry about it kiddo."

"You can't call me kiddo! I'm almost as old as you!"

"You're half my age."

"You're only eight years older than me."

"You're only eight years old."

"Humph. Whatever." Dick grumbled, turning away from his older brother and refusing to accept defeat in their argument.

"Hey, c'mon, you can't just ignore me." Bruce lamented, stretching out next to the smaller boy.

"Firefly attacked again tonight while you were out saving the world."

"Where?" Bruce asked, no more alert than moments earlier.

"One of the old office buildings downtown that hadn't had the computer stuff moved out yet. He stole some files off of the old servers." Dick answered, still not looking at the other boy in his bed.

"I'll look into it, figure out what he stole." Bruce replied with a yawn.

"You know, if Robin had been there…"

"Hey, I told you, I'll start taking you out on your ninth birthday, if you're even still interested in three months."

"I will be, I'm sure of it!"

"Ok, get some sleep kiddo; we've got a long day ahead of us tomorrow."

"Don't call me kiddo."

"Ok, good night, buddy."

"You can call me kiddo."

"That's what I thought."

"Good night."

"Good night."

* * *

Really, if the league hadn't figured it out with the alcohol, he was positive they'd finally get it when they saw the morning news. The league was doing a 'grand opening' for the public. Statues of the league had been put up in the hall of justice just for the occasion. It wasn't his statue likeness that concerned him though. It was his likeness in the paper the next morning. He looked… different from the leaguers. Superman looked like a mountain of muscle. Martian Man hunter was equally strong. Both Green Arrow and Green lantern had to be at least 6'5" and weren't weak by any means. While they weren't as obviously strong as other members of the league both Wonder Woman and The Flash were lean and strong. Everyone looked like a strong, tall cohesive unit… except Batman.

Bruce knew he was still growing. Seriously. No matter what Dick said, this wasn't vanity; this was a matter of blending in with the adult heroes. But this picture made it plainly obvious that he was significantly different that the others not just in color scheme and attitude but also because he was so small.

No, seriously, for a dude who could deadlift 200 lbs. Bruce looked like a child sitting at the adults table compared to the other leaguers. Alfred said he was just being paranoid about it and that nobody else could tell but Bruce wasn't so sure. After all, he was able to convince four hundred classmates every day that he was a scrawny, pale, orphan so who was to say that wasn't actually what he looked like.

Alfred caught him two days later, pushing himself to his mental and physical limits and had to lock Bruce out of the Batcave not just for the teen's safety but also for his younger charge's mental state.

"I don't know what's set you off but you need to tell me or get over it yourself." Alfred finally told Bruce after almost a day of the boy moping in his room.

"I'm inadequate."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Have you seen the picture on the front of the paper? I look like a child next to Gods. Everyone is going to know soon that I'm a teenager and I'm going to lose all ability to fight crime because nobody is going to be scared of me anymore and not only that but someone is going to figure out my identity and it's going to put Dick at risk and I'm going to have to send him away and he's going to hate me and my whole life is going to be ruined because of one stupid picture where I look tiny."

"Sir, you're the only one who can tell."

"Really?"

"Yes. If you need confirmation, just ask your precious league."

"Really?"

"Yes, seriously, you need to get out of the house anyway; you're starting to look pasty."

"Thanks, Alfred!"

"Any time, Sir."

For all that Bruce had been worried about the rest of the Justice League figuring out his identity, he was honestly kind of disappointed in their detective skills for not even noticing anything.

"Hey dude, where've you been?" asked Green Lantern, casually reclining in the chair surrounded by computer consoles looking out over the planet.

"Busy."

"Ok, grumpy pants, Diana has invited us all to a feast or something in Paris."

"When?"

"I don't know, you'd have to ask her."

Batman sighed, gripping the bridge of his nose and trying not to stab Green lantern. "Fine." He stalked off to the gym, certain that's where he'd find Diana if she was at the Watchtower.

"Diana!" He called into the cavernous space that contained everything from a jungle gym to an archery range.

"Over here!" She called back from the general direction of the boxing ring.

Walking up to her, he said, "Green Lantern told me to ask you about a feast."

"Yes, but I do not think you will want to come."

"Why not?" he asked.

"We're going in our civilian clothes and from what I understand; you would prefer that we do not know who you are under your Kevlar and cowl."

"Well, you're not wrong. What date is it, I'll take watchtower duty."

"Thank you for understanding! It's next Sunday."

"Ok, thanks."

And just like that, he was sure of the fact that his identity, and therefore his age was secure. For now.

* * *

Batman, on watchtower duty while the rest of the league was putting their identities at risk found himself face timing with Dick.

"Ok, have you tried finding the apothem instead of just guessing?" he asked, slightly laughing at the boy on the screen.

"No, that'd take too long."

"Well by not doing it, you're taking longer because you keep messing up don't you?"

"Fine."

"Good, see, now you've got the answer!" He laughed at the younger boy before something pinged. Batman's demeanor instantly changed.

"Go down to the Batcomputer and tell me where it was that Firefly broke into last!"

"Yep." The young boy ran down the stairs, stopping in the elevator. "What's up?"

"Reports of a glowing, flying burglar are coming in from Paris."

"Wait, isn't that where the league is?"

"Yes, but they can't risk their identities by suddenly appearing in Paris, any villain with half of a brain will figure them out within minutes."

The younger boy stepped out into a dark cavern and ran over to the huge computer console on the wall. "Atlantic Security Corp."

"Crap, Dick, I may need help, I know you technically still have two months until you're nine but I'm going to put you into the zeta system and I want you to come up to the watch tower."

"Ok! What's special about ASC anyway?"

"They run security for a bunch of next generation technology warehouses based in Paris. Most of that technology is scheduled for incineration because it was too dangerous to meet many of the EU and UN's regulations and standards."

"Crap."

"Watch your mouth."

"You said it first!"

"I'm twice your age."

"Not for long, gramps."

"Focus."

"Right. Do you think Fire Fly is working with someone?"

"No doubt about it, that's why I want your help."

"Awesome!" Batman heard a zeta tube firing up on Robin's side of the connection. A streak of yellow and red blurred across Robin's screen."

"What was that?" Hissed Batman quickly.

"Hi! I'm Wally West, Kid Flash!" Batman schooled his expression into the most 'I am so done with this' look that he possibly could. "I want to help! I heard the alert come into Star Labs!"

"Wait, Wally?" Asked Robin.

"You know this kid?" growled Batman.

"Yeah, he was Central City's competitor in the Science section of the Academic Olympiad." Robin looked him up and down. "Wait a second, that means your dad, no, your uncle is The Flash doesn't it!"

"Um, yeah..." The taller boy trailed off.

"I have questions for you but those can come later. You and Robin need to come to the watch tower right now, he can brief you on the way here."

"Ok, Cool!" they said in tandem. Batman just face palmed.

The Justice League was not expecting a huge glowing insect to drop out of the sky during their dinner. Luckily, Diana had the good sense to call Batman over the tower's direct com link before anything could get out of hand.

"Batman!" she whispered urgently into the link as the other leaguers at dinner started escorting people out of harm's way.

"Already on it. Be aware, I'm bringing in back up."

"Back up?" she questioned, "Who else is there besides the league?" Before Batman could say anything, a yellow and red blur zoomed past the window and slammed into the insect thing. "Barry!" she yelled to the man in the back of the restaurant while pointing at the blur, "What is that?"

He looked out the window and did a double take, mouth dropping open. "My nephew." he cocked his head, "Wait but how did he get here if he was in Central City, no Zeta tubes have been set up in Paris yet." Barry was answered shortly as a black jet set down just feet from the window and another boy in red, black and yellow dashed out, immediately disappearing into the throngs of people, cars and debris on the city streets.

"Batman, are you seeing this?" asked Diana over the comms again.

"No, I'm orchestrating it." he snarked back. "Seriously, do you think Robin piloted the jet?"

"Robin?" Diana questioned.

"The kid, or more aptly, my kid who just ran off of the jet."

"You know I can hear you, right?" asked a third voice.

"Robin, less talking more fighting." Batman responded.

"Yep, cuz that's totally what you're doing." the third voice replied again. Batman just sighed and cut the link.

Diana watched as he jumped off of the jet behind the two other fighters. The younger boy ran at him yelling some sort of fight pattern while the yellow and red blur distracted the overgrown bug and Batman cupped his hands as a spring board for the small boy and launched the smaller fighter into the air before throwing down a smoke bomb and disappearing into the murk of a dirty street and clouds of smoke. Occasionally the gloom was lit up by some sort of flash and Diana found the whole scene surreal due to the sound proof glass of the restaurant making the entire battle seem quiet and serene. Eventually she became aware of the rest of the league and other people from the restaurant coming up to the window and staring at the fight as well.

The smoke slowly dissipated to reveal Batman and Robin fighting the bug while little flash ran around moving civilians away and keeping debris from hitting the fighters or other buildings. Robin flipped up onto the bug and cut some sort of tube coming out of the thing's neck which effectively stopped the bug from fighting back. Batman opened up a hatch in the thing's exoskeleton revealing not organs and blood as Diana had been expecting but rather a pale, scrawny man who smiled sheepishly up a Batman.

Robin and little Flash grabbed his armor and piled it into the Jet while Batman locked handcuffs over the guy's wrists and locked him into the jet.

"I can't believe that just happened." Barry said, breathlessly. "C'mon, we need to go to the watchtower."

When the league arrived at the Watchtower, Robin and little Flash were goofing off in the big hall that looked out over Earth.

"Hi uncle Barry!" announced the boy in yellow and red, as the zeta tubes announced the arrivals of the Justice League.

"Wally." replied Barry Allen dryly. "Do I want to know how you ended up in Paris earlier this evening?"

"He hacked into the Batcave's zeta tubes after the alert came into the watchtower about Fire Fly being in Paris so Batman let him come to the watchtower with me." Robin replied for the taller boy.

"And who are you?" asked Martian Manhunter, voicing what the rest of the league was wondering themselves.

"That's Robin, he's my kid." Replied Batman, walking into the hall from the direction of the prison cells. "You've heard of him before, I'm sure."

"Yes but we figured he'd be a bit younger." Superman replied.

"We have a lot to talk about. Come to the meeting room." was Batman's response as he turned on his heel, Robin skipping to catch up with him.

Everyone sat down around the U shaped table with a few extra seats to spare, after all, the League did plan on expanding eventually. Wally pulled off his cowl, allowing his shock of red hair to go even crazier than it had been before. "Everyone here knows each other's identities except for mine which is less than conductive to us being a team. I have fought with and trust all of you and following the discovery of even younger superheroes tonight, I'm willing to finally tell you my identity." Batman announced, pulling off his cowl. Everyone except for Robin gasped. "You too, Robin." Batman said. The little boy pulled off his domino mask, eliciting yet more gasps.

Somehow, it didn't surprise anyone that Green Arrow would be the one to ask a stupid question. "So if Robin's your kid, what were you, ten when you became a dad?"


	2. Barry Has Feelings

**Hi folks, this is Mo! I started writing this… almost a year and a half ago? Holy guacamole. Not going to lie, I may have forgotten that it existed so I guess thanks for waiting and I won't make you wait any longer. Here's chapter 2.**

Barry Allen had expected everything to change after Bruce's revelation; after all, the Bat was a child among gods. The fastest man alive quickly discovered that he couldn't have been more wrong.

It was Diana who he discovered was ambivalent to the Dark Knight's age first.

"Diana, don't you think it's a bit strange that 'Gotham's protector' is still in puberty?" The speedster asked one morning after a battle. She gave him a confused face, looking awkward as she stood at attention in the casual lounge area of the tower.

"No. On Themyscira we had many a noble warrior who rose to their station at a young age by proving themselves in battle. Surely our compatriot has done the same, don't you think?"

"I guess." He nodded, realizing that she wasn't going to change her mind on the issue any time soon. He took another sip of his coffee. "What about Robin though, doesn't he seem a bit young to you?"

"What I believe personally about how our shield brother has chosen to raise his charge should not change what either of them does as long as they are both safe and happy."

"So you do think that Robin is too young to fight!"

"Yes, but I believe that Bruce has his compunctions about Robin fighting as well. He has only brought his charge on one assignment and that was when he absolutely could not have succeeded without him. I'm sure that once he's older, robin will join us more but until then, he will have a normal childhood," Diana reasoned. "And besides, how I feel about Robin's age has nothing to do with how I feel about his guardian's age."

Flash grumbled, acknowledging that nothing he could say would change her mind. He tried on Clark next. After all, surely Superman, being a bastion of morality couldn't be ok with child soldiers. He cornered him one night as the two were going out for coffee after a long shift at the watchtower.

"No I'm ok with it. I mean, I got my powers around his age and I chose not to do anything to help people. I guess I respect him even more for doing something that I was too cowardly to do."

"But he was acting as a vigilante for two years before we formed the league. Surely you don't condone a fourteen year old fighting every gang banger in Gotham of all places with nothing but Kevlar protecting him!"

Clark thought on it for a moment and Barry grinned, sure that he had convinced the strongest man on earth of his perspective. "I guess if nothing else that I have to respect him more for that, not less." Barry's face dropped and he groaned.

"I honestly can't even with you dude." Sighed the speedster.

"You talk like that and it's his maturity you're concerned about?" laughed Clark.

Barry groaned again.

Maybe it was the idealism of Diana and Clark that wouldn't let them see his side. Getting a logical, unbiased point of view might be just what he needed! And when you need logical and unbiased, everybody knows that you go to J'onn.

"While his physiology may be less developed that that of our adult team mates, surely you see that he is just as mature mentally, if not more so than the rest of us."

Barry was ready to scream, maybe J'onn just didn't understand how human physiology played into this. "No he's not! His brain isn't fully developed! It won't be until he's 25!"

J'onn remained as calm and collected as ever. "And yet who do we go to for the watchtower's security? Who is our chief strategist? Who is the one member of our team who the public respects as much as superman?"

"Batman, but" Barry started. J'onn cut him off.

"Doesn't that prove enough for you?" Barry started to say something again but Martian Manhunter turned away signaling that the conversation was over. Flash slumped against the wall. Why could nobody else see how messed up this was?!

Didn't the green lanterns have some code of ethics? Surely they'd get it.

John turned to Hal. "How old is Pavel?" he asked.

"Which one?"

"Chekov? I think?"

"From Nibiru?" Hal confirmed, opening up some kind of database and reading through it.

"Yeah that guy."

"According to the databanks he'd be 14 in earth years." Hal responded.

Flash groaned knowing that if those two idiots were going to use anecdotal evidence against him that he'd never win the argument. He gave up and walked away knowing that this was going to be useless just like every other conversation he'd had with every other hero he'd asked. Then a thought struck him. Green lantern had a younger sister. Surely he'd understand Flash's sudden desire to roll the dark knight into a pile of blankets, give him enough homework to last a life time, some cookies and milk, and lock the door.

"Oliver, buddy, surely you can see how wrong it is for a sixteen year old to be fighting supervillains, right?" Flash asked desperately, hoping his friend would understand.

"Nope." Oliver laughed, popping the 'p' and shoving some more popcorn in his mouth.

Barry reached over to pause the movie. "Ok but think about it. He's the same age as Thea. Wouldn't you be scared for her if she was out fighting crime?" he reasoned.

"Nah," Oliver continued casually. "I'd be scared for her but she doesn't have his skills, ya' know?"

"No, I don't know!" Barry shot back, exasperated. "I don't see how any skillset is justification for robbing a child of… well… childhood!"

Oliver sighed. "I think he was robbed of his childhood a long time ago and I don't think that the team babying him will make anything better." Then he chuckled. "Besides, no child has his skills."

Barry was confused. "Of course other kids have his skills. All sorts of kids take martial arts classes and bunches of kids learn how to shoot guns or throw knives. Plus, unlike some of us, he doesn't kill people, showing even more how smol and precious he is." The speedster contended.

"He's far better at martial arts than kids who take commercial classes, he doesn't use guns, and he's got the kind of super human aim that you don't get from throwing knives as a hobby. He's also a brilliant detective. He's smart enough to make his own gear. He can sew himself back together after a bad fight. And hey, if you ask me, the fact that he doesn't kill people makes him even more impressive because it means that it takes more time for him to subdue people and that he's enough in control of himself that he can avoid murdering people."

Oliver's reasoning was sound but Barry had one last ace up his sleeve to convince his best friend in crime fighting. "What about the psychological toll this is taking on him. Think about the mental problems he'll have later in life. Think about the nightmares!"

Oliver laughed. "Do you remember the first time we met the bat? Before anyone had revealed their identities to anyone else? That day when he helped us defeat the lava monster." Barry nodded, of course he did. Batman had scared the shit out of both of them, popping out of the shadows like a bat out of hell and obliterating the thing they had been fighting to no avail for two hours in just minutes with the use of a grenade he'd apparently made himself. Barry was genuinely concerned that the bat was going to hospitalize him when Bruce had criticized the two hero's incompetence at not aiming for its eyes, thereby leaving civilians in danger. For months, both Green Arrow and Flash had thought that the man had teleportation powers or some sort of magic, which they only discovered to be wrong after he told them at the first league meeting. Oliver smirked at the look on his friend's face. "Don't you get it, he's giving as good as he receives in the nightmare department. Plus, at the end of the day, he knows that he's got a safety net if he needs help and that's what I think matters the most. I wouldn't be too worried about him if I were you Barry. The kid is fine, really!"

Barry sighed, unconvinced and turned the movie back on. If he couldn't get his team mates to see that it might not be healthy for Bruce to be a hero, then the least he could do was go to the man himself and convince him that it was ok to be a kid every once in a while.

"Ok so I get that you're trying to project this dark and mysterious demeanor but maybe you should take the opportunity to act your age once in a while." Argued the speedster.

"I do act my age." Retorted the bat, typing away at one of the encryptions for the watchtower's weaponry protocols with a frustrated look on his face.

"No. if you acted your age, you'd have a favorite TV show, a girlfriend, maybe you'd ask one of us for help with your homework every once in a while."

"First off, who's to say that I don't have a favorite TV show or a girlfriend? Second off, if I can be the Batman and help set up this watchtower, why would I need help with chemistry or English, or anything else for that matter?"

Flash sighed. The kid had him there. "Well, do you have any friends your age?" Bruce put away his coding project, knowing that this conversation was going to take him a while.

"I don't need any friends my age. I've got the team, Alfred, and Dick."

"You have no clue how tragic and lonely that sounds do you?"

"I'm an orphan; everything about me is tragic and lonely." Bruce retorted sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Barry, having missed the sarcasm was alarmed. "Look, if you're really that concerned, it's your turn to plan team bonding night next month, why don't you plan something teenagerish enough to satisfy yourself that I'm having fun or whatever and then you can stop irritating me." Bruce grumbled, acting like this was some sort of concession. Barry nodded enthusiastically. This was a brilliant plan. Bruce turned back to his coding and the Flash, seeing his cue sped off to make his brilliant plan.

It was two weeks later when Barry realized that this was a sucky idea and that he had no idea what teenagers did. It was time to call in the cavalry. It was time to take the only two kids he knew out to ice cream.

"So… Dick, Wally, what do you two do for fun?" He smiled, hoping that they would give some insight as to how he could manipulate the bat into having fun.

"Videogames!" They replied in tandem. Barry groaned. This was going to take a while.

Eventually, the first Saturday of the month rolled around and Barry's plan, fully formulated, went into action. The nondescript bowling alley in Des Moines, Iowa was called Plaza Lanes. The place could be best described as poorly lit, smelled like greasy food, and only catered to bored teenagers and professional bowling teams primarily filled with balding old men who were one bad fall away from using walkers. Most importantly, Plaza Lanes was the sort of place that a supervillain would never think to go looking for the team. Essentially, it was perfect.

"Hi, welcome to Plaza Lanes, home of the famous Plaza fries, how may I help you?" droned the pimply teen working the front desk.

"We'd like to rent eight pairs of shoes and a lane for 3 games please." Barry smiled.

The teenager passed them their shoes and pointed to one of the lanes. "Feel free to pick any ball you want just stick to lane 4 and have a nice afternoon!"

Barry turned to look at everybody's reactions. Clark, Hal, John, and Oliver, all of whom had gone bowling looked excited. Diana, J'onn, and Bruce looked a bit more cautious but still willing to try it out.

"What is the objective of this game Barry?" asked Diana.

"To knock over the pins at the end of the lane by rolling the ball!" Barry frowned for a moment, realizing how lame that made the game sound. "I promise it's more fun than it sounds!"

"What are the rules?" asked Bruce, eying a ball critically as he picked it up and inspected it as though it might lash out and attack him at any moment.

"You can't step past the line or walk on the lane, that's really about it," replied Barry, sitting down to put on his shoes. "Oh also, Clark and I are team captains!"

"That's definitely not a rule." Pouted Clark

"Because you're questioning my decision, I get to pick first!" Barry crowed. Clark shrugged which Barry took as acquiescence. "I'll take Ollie!"

"Diana"

"Hal"

"Bruce"

"J'onn"

"John. Also, because I got second pick, we should also get to go first."

Barry groaned. "Fineeeeeeeeeee." He sighed sarcastically, drawing out the word.

Barry thought his plan for team bonding went splendidly. He finally found something that Diana totally sucked at and his team won two of the three games. Bruce even cracked a smile when he tried the cheesy fries, which was a miracle in its own right. The team may not hang out with Bruce often enough to count as good friends but they definitely were closer than coworkers were and they may not be teens but some of them *cough* Hal *cough* Ollie *cough* were certainly immature enough to make up for it.

Barry's concerns weren't alleviated all the way, he wasn't sure they every would be but for now he had proven to the team, and more importantly to himself, that Bruce was not completely missing out on his childhood.

* * *

 **A/N I don't know if this is clear but so far these one shots have taken place when the league is still being formed so they don't have all of their members quite yet and Young Justice is quite a way from being formed.**


	3. Bruce clears something up for Ollie

**Sup folks, in a surprise move, this lazy author has now decided to actually update a story. Shocker! For the record, I've edited how some ages here and there from canon to make the rest of the timeline work out how I wanted it to. So, without further ado, Chapter 3:**

"Okay but seriously, who's your baby mama and how is Dick 8 if you're 16. I mean seriously, the math just isn't adding up here dude." Ollie whined as he sat in the recliner across from Bruce's in the watchtower lounge. Bruce looked up from his textbook and raised an eyebrow.

"Where is this coming from?"

"I'm actually curious here, because at first, before you told us the whole teenager thing, I was pretty sure he was your son. After the whole teenager thing, I did some mental math and I realized that couldn't be right and that you must be brothers. But brothers don't kick brothers out of the house for being embarrassing when they have friends over which means you must be some sort of parental figure to him which means I want to know what crazy lady had a child with an eight year old." Ollie babbled out in one breath. Bruce raised his other eyebrow in what must have been the most judgmental look Ollie had ever gotten from a teenager.

"It's a long story." Bruce said. Then, to clarify, just in case Ollie was as stupid as he seemed sometimes, he continued. "But Dick isn't my son unless you're talking legally."

"Well, I've got time and you've somehow made me more curious." Ollie admitted. Bruce sighed and snapped his history textbook shut. It wasn't like he was going to get any more work done tonight anyways.

"This isn't a fun story."

"I don't care. I'm really curious."

"Well, you kind of have to understand my story to understand how I became Dick's not dad. My relationship with the Gotham Child Protective Services started when my parents got killed. I was four years old and I barely remember it but there were some disputes with some crazy old four times removed great great great cousin who wanted me to be placed with her after my parents died. You see, my parents asked that custody of me be turned over to Alfred, our butler in the event of their untimely demise. Normally though, the court would find my closest living relative who was willing to take me. So you see where the problem arose. The family attorney, a man by the name of Bob Kane sided with Alfred and I and did everything in his power to make sure I was placed with Alfred. Sadly, that just wasn't going to happen. The judge ruled in favor of putting me with my aunt."

"Wait, why wouldn't the judge put you with who your parents wanted you put with, especially because you knew him better?"

"I eventually learned that my aunt Gertrude payed off the judge because she wanted my inheritance."

"Holy cow."

"I know. Turns out that even though she wanted my money, she didn't want me. She shipped me off to a fancy pants boarding school after eight months of living with me because that's when I would have started kindergarten. Those eight months were still some of the worst of my life though. I learned a lot of my most important skills like doing everything silently and hiding in the shadows from those eight months because she'd snap at me just for existing. Unfortunately, boarding school wasn't much better, the one she selected was on Infinity Island in the Caribbean because she liked the idea of telling people that I was in the Caribbean. What she didn't know was that the headmaster of the school was a league of assassins associate who, upon discovering how good I could be at acting sneakily started giving me impromptu lessons. By the time that the testers from the League arrived at our school to decide if any of the children were worth taking to Nanda Parbat, he had pretty much been beating the living hell out of me for three years after school every night and I was all the stronger for it. I was pretty much proficient in fighting with eskrima sticks, bo staff, and swords when they came for me. My aunt received a letter claiming that I had been chosen for a "young minds exchange program" and that she could quit paying tuition to the Infinity Island Academy if she wanted to so of course she consented to me being sent to Nanda Parbat in a heartbeat."

"Wait, Bruce, you were in the heart of the league of assassins when you were eight years old?!" Ollie exclaimed, amazed that the younger man had made it out alive.

"Well I didn't actually get there until I was nine but I did technically become a member at eight, yes." Bruce frowned, remembering his time far better than Ra's Al Ghul probably wanted him to. Ollie threw his head back and groaned, feeling awful for the wayward teenager.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that." He said, feeling bad for his friend.

"Well, I was a member of the league so they didn't treat me that badly, after all, they wanted their soldiers to be able to fight. They did make us train day and night though. I had been put in a barrack with all of the youngest recruits who were from all over the world, so if we wanted to talk, we had to learn each others' languages. By the time we made it to first examination, we all spoke English, Spanish, Arabic, Farsi, Japanese, and Mandarin Chinese. Of course, the league does this intentionally because it's a lot easier for spies to blend in with locals regardless of ethnicity or race when you speak their language. I passed every assessment with flying colors and was almost always ranked at the top of my age group. Leadership began taking an interest in me and they started taking me out on missions. I learned about hidden bases that they had all over the world. I'm not going to lie, I believed in their message and happily drank the Kool-Aid."

"Well what happened? How did you go from masked assassin to masked vigilante?"

"I failed a mission." Bruce shrugged, trying to act casual about it. "Up until I was thirteen, I had never been sent on a mission to kill anyone and so I wasn't an issue but assassins get assigned to assassinations eventually and when I was, I froze. I literally could not kill the man who I was instructed to. They called me back to Nanda Parbat that night and I was beaten half to death before being sent home with a note claiming that I was mugged and may have a serious concussion which could lead to me making up stories and believing that I'd lived them. They almost killed me for the sake of protecting themselves and at the time it made sense to me, after all, they were only doing what they had trained me to do. I was just too soft for the league, it was my fault and I deserved what I got."

"Oh my god, Bruce, nothing you could say or do is worth getting beaten for" Ollie started, making to get out of his chair and go hug Bruce before being waved off. "Anyways, I'm glad you didn't kill that man because if you had, I wouldn't have met you and the league of assassins would have one more member, and you'd still be in that hell hole.

Bruce chuckled. "Thanks, but it wasn't all smooth sailing from there. When I got back to the home I lived in before being sent to boarding school, it turned out that my aunt had gotten drunk, crashed her Lamborghini, and had been comatose for the last three years. The League of Assassins had erased me from existence so thoroughly that the hospital didn't even know to notify me when she got hurt which meant that I was once again a ward of the state. Luckily, Bob Kane stepped in to keep me from being placed in a foster home so I ended up with Alfred who had continued his employment as the Wayne family butler thanks to my parents' will. He helped nurse me back to health and I told him everything, including that I was going to fight the league of assassins in Gotham whether or not he wanted me to. He, probably correctly, decided that I'd be less likely to get hurt with his help so she showed me the secret exit from the house which led to a naturally occurring cave that didn't take much effort for Alfred and I to block the outside entrances to and create 'the Batcave' in. The bat thing wasn't even intentional, I just needed extra space in my cowl for the bulky computer gear in my original costume which, in tandem with my cape and dark clothing from the league, eventually was misconstrued as me being a bat themed vigilante." Ollie laughed aloud at that. He and Barry had always wanted to make jokes about Bruce being a pseudo furry and now it turned out that the whole bat thing was a mistake. "I couldn't change my look at all after that because I had a reputation which was what I wanted. After all, there're a lot of people who won't commit crimes just out of fear, regardless of whether or not I'd go after them simply due to my reputation."

Ollie nodded. "I've noticed the same thing in Star City with the Arrow," He noted.

"During that time, I got more than just my identity as Batman though, I also got my adulthood." Bruce stated.

"How does that work?" Asked Ollie, genuinely curious. How could a kid become an adult at what, thirteen? Fourteen?

"Well, in the state of New Jersey, children don't automatically become adults at 18 so you have to either get permission from the court or meet a stupid standard. Alfred and I both agreed that if I got injured while fighting crime, it'd be for the best if doctors didn't need to worry about the legality of operating on me before he arrived. So, Mr. Kane filed a motion to emancipate me early and the court rubber stamped it. In essence, while you lot have been worried about me being a kid this whole time, I've been legally an adult since I was fourteen."

"Yeah, no, that definitely doesn't count, if you're a teen you're a kid." Ollie quipped. Bruce rolled his eyes.

"It doesn't matter anyways. I met a doctor who has helped me out a lot so it turns out the emancipation was a moot point. When the emancipation really turned out to be helpful was a year or so ago when Alfred and I were at the big top one night because a circus that my parents and I had gone to when I was younger was in town. The Flying Graysons, a famous acrobatic troupe was performing that night but the ringleader, a man named Haley had run afoul of the Italian Mob. Tony Zucco, one of their head men, had a potent acid poured on the wires which led to every member of the troupe but one falling to their deaths."

"What does that have to do with Dick?"

"I'm getting there man, hold your horses. Dick was seven at the time, and he was the only member of the troupe to survive. I immediately wanted to help him. After all, just over a decade ago, I had been in his position. There was a problem though. The family court was being overseen by that same judge who assigned my guardianship to my aunt and she genuinely though I had lost my marbles trying to adopt Dick. Mr. Kane had to sue for my right to adopt Dick almost four times before the court agreed to assign his citizenship to me." Ollie whistled, leaning back in his chair. "I'm sending Dick to school at Gotham Academy, the school where my parents wanted me to go when I was starting my education. He seems to really enjoy it and even though he didn't have any formal school before this year, they've put him with the fourth graders!" Bruce smiled. "He gets really good grades, and he's got a best friend named Barb whose dad I've become close to from behind the cowl. She has a bit more common sense than him which I really appreciate because between Dick and me it's a miracle that we've not burned the house down."

"Alfred probably has a hand in that." Ollie laughed. "I just don't understand though, why would he throw you out for being embarrassing if he really just views you as a brother?"

Bruce frowned. "I wanted to bake cookies tonight and apparently that's not cool enough for Barb who's the epitome of everything amazing and wonderful." He rolled his eyes. "So Dick told me to go hang out with my friends and I didn't have the heart to tell him that I'm a bit short on that particular resource."

"Aww we're your friends!" exclaimed Ollie.

"We only hang out when the world's in danger or during mandated team bonding days."

"C'mon kid, I'm going to introduce you to a little thing called the Legend of Zelda."

"I know what the Legend of Zelda is."

"Well with an attitude like that, why wouldn't I want to play with you?" Ollie snarked.

"Just shut up and help me set up the console," Bruce said, smiling for the first time that whole day.

* * *

"And so basically, then our spooky assassin child got his own funky acrobat child." Ollie finished, looking up to see Barry and Hal's reactions. Both looked suitably amazed but wiped the looks off their faces as Bruce walked in. The bleary-eyed teen looked around in confusion, clearly not expecting anyone else to be in the Watchtower cafeteria at 3:00 am on a Thursday. He shrugged and started rifling through the freezer, ignoring the three men watching him. He pulled his head back out and frowned at them.

"Which one of you ate my coconut chocolate chip ice cream?" he growled, suddenly reminding the adults that he was the nightmare fuel for all of Gotham. Hal gulped and did a not very subtle job of hiding the empty container of ice cream they'd been eating while Ollie told his tale. Bruce slammed the freezer door shut and sighed. "Dick wouldn't do me dirty like this," he groaned and trudged back out of the kitchen.

Bruce didn't retaliate for that instance of food thievery but between Ollie's story and the look on the bat's face, from that day forward, Hal and Barry always made sure the coconut chocolate chip ice cream was well stocked. No matter what.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! If you're wondering, Bob Kane is the name of one of the Batman writers. Also, I don't know if this is clear or not but after a year and a half of not updating this story, I've lost my outline so for the foreseeable future this is going to be a collection of one shots which happen in the same universe. If there are any characters/dynamics you want to see, feel free to write a review because I'll gladly do that, otherwise, there isn't really going to be a coherent update schedule. Have a nice day, be excellent and party on dudes! :)**


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